Alright, so I've been thinking a lot lately...about life, mine to be specific. Does anybody really ever know their ultimate purpose on this Earth? Some people are so talented and others adore them for those talents. As far as I've seen, I have no talent, nothing special, no purpose. I always know that maybe one day, I'll discover my purpose, but so far, at 18....nothing. And that terrifies me, because what if I die, not knowing my purpose? I try to stay faithful to God, but every time that I've prayed, I've never seen or heard an answer. People talk about having these amazing moments, where the room goes silent and they hear God speaking to them, and they fall to their knees and realize how loved they are. I desire one of those moments so desperately. I've bought several books about having a relationship with god, talked to countless people at my church and in my family, but I can't seem to find the strength to have one with Him. I feel as though I am completely unworthy of any sort of loving relationship with God or any other being. I am unclean, hateful, lustful...the list could go on and on. I just....I just don't understand where I went wrong. I can't remember having a normal relationship with a person...I don't know when the last time I had a loving, unconditional relationship with a person.
I hate feeling like this, it feels like I can't breath, like I'm drowning. I just want to take a breath of fresh air, and feel loved, without having to offer something up for that love. Boys always want something, girls always want something, so does family.
Just...just stop with the asking. God, please, if you're listening, just help me. I need you.
