Struggling

Alright, so I've   been thinking a lot lately...about life, mine to be specific. Does anybody really ever know their ultimate purpose on this Earth? Some people are so talented and others adore them for those talents. As far as I've seen, I have no talent, nothing special,  no purpose. I always know that maybe one day, I'll discover my purpose, but so far, at 18....nothing. And that terrifies me, because what if I die, not knowing my purpose? I try to stay faithful to God, but every time that I've prayed, I've  never seen or heard an answer. People talk about having these amazing moments, where the room goes silent and they hear God speaking to them, and they fall to their knees and realize how loved they are. I desire one of those moments so desperately. I've bought several books about having a relationship with god,  talked to countless people at my church and in my family, but I can't seem to find the strength to have one with Him. I feel as though I am completely unworthy of any sort of loving relationship with God or any other being. I am unclean, hateful, lustful...the list could go on and on. I just....I just don't understand where I went wrong.  I can't remember having a normal relationship with a person...I don't know when the last time I had a loving, unconditional relationship with a person.
I hate feeling like this, it feels like  I can't breath, like I'm drowning. I just want to take a breath of fresh air, and  feel loved, without having to offer something  up for that love. Boys always want something, girls always want something, so does family.
Just...just stop with the asking.  God, please, if you're listening, just help me. I  need you.

Introduction

So I feel the need to introduce myself, so I'm not a total stranger to anybody who decides to read my posts. I'm Tara, and 18 year old girl. I'm a senior in high school, and I'm depressed. I change my hair color frequently, but my hair is still on my head (thank the the Lord). I'm a non-denominational Christian, but I'm also a very wild person. I like to go out with my friends and just have fun, but some days I want to stay in my room and have myself a good cry. I used to cut, and I still have those thoughts all the time. I'm a cashier at a grocery store, Harris Teeter. I've worked there for 2 1/2 years, and I've hated every second of it, but I love the money.
I have 4 brothers, one of them being my twin. My parents are happily married, my oldest brother is engaged to the sweetest girl I've ever met, and she's also the person who does my piercings.
I'm terrified of graduating and growing up.  It's a part of life, but it's the biggest part that scares me. I have no clue what I want to do after high school or what I want my career to be.
I've had my heart broken several times, most of them being very recent. I didn't think I'd be able to get on with my life, but I'm doing just fine. One of the guys still comes into the store with his new girlfriend and walks past me about 10 times, but I don't let it get to me. I know that I'll be ok.
Well....yeah....that's it for now.